“I don't know about anyone else, but a massive toddler
tantrum before 6 a.m. is exactly how I like to start my morning!”
This is a FB status I read recently. What I immediately
thought was, “Yes please. I’d start each and every day that way if I could.”
But, as always, I don’t write anything. Truth is I was rarely on FB before A
died and since his stillbirth have avoided it even more so for the obvious reasons.
What makes this particular post sting even more is that this girl’s son, the
toddler culprit, was born a couple weeks before A. They’d be the same exact
age.
I know many babylost parents have expressed it more
eloquently than I, but this is just another example of how losing A has affected
my parenting. Not that I took things for granted before, but when Dragonette is
extra fussy or won’t nap unless she’s held, I am far more patient than I would
have been if she was my first child.
I am not a saint of a mother. There are times when I cannot
deal with her and pass her off enthusiastically to Daddy or Grandma. On rough
days I look forward to a break in caring for her. But this newfound patience is
most certainly a gift from my son. He has taught me what is really important in
life and to cherish each small moment.
So when she won’t go back to sleep after eating at 3 a.m., I
begrudgingly, but not resentfully, get up to walk and jostle her for an hour.
It's a bit hard to reconcile sometimes, that in between space where you appreciate what you have with your living child but at the same time you are human and sometimes need a break or feel overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI liked the post on Living After Loss on this. She took a bit of a different tack but I think getting at the same point. http://livingafterloss.blogspot.ca/2013/01/the-space-between-grief-and-grace.html
I feel like losing my daughter has given me much more patience for dealing with some of the more challenging aspects of raising a baby because it puts things in perspective. On the other hand I think I need to give myself a break if I can't feel grateful and patient every single moment.
Oh yes, the loss of a child absolutely colors all kinds of parenting choices and attitudes for living children. I parent my now 17 year old totally different from how I probably would have parented him had Nathaniel lived. I would be a different person. I would be a different mom.
ReplyDeleteI hope you continue to find real bliss in the sweet times with her, and fully appreciate her life and your own! <3
I know i'd be a different mother (and person as Suzanne said above) had Liam lived, and likely much less patient than I am now. I haven't been good at keeping in touch with emails and through blogging but I want you to know that i've been thinking about you, especially as we near Mother's day. I wish A and Liam were here so much. Sending love xx
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