Hello out there. I realize it has been some time since I
last posted. There is a negative portrayal of dead baby mamas who cease
blogging after their Rainbow is born. While I can see the appeal and
distraction of a new live baby, it isn’t the whole story of what’s been going
on in Griefland.
After baby Dragon’s unexpected and traumatic birth,
we had the usual no-sleep, constant baby-tending couple months. She then
settled herself into a nice predictable routine. And then, the wheels came off.
She was fussy and needy. She wouldn’t nap unless someone was holding her. She
was crying while nursing and bucking at the breast. Her nighttime sleep
actually worsened. I was at my wit’s end trying to understand my child and what
she needed because clearly I was not guessing correctly. Meanwhile I was back
to work part-time.
Fast forward another 6-8 weeks and after the pediatrician
erroneously diagnosed her bloody stools as an anal fissure the G.I. specialist
suggested Dragon had an allergy to the dairy in my diet. Since I have been dairy free our
daughter is a happier, easier baby. AND THEN she started waking up every 45-60
minutes at night, all night long. WTF kid?! I thought we just fixed your tummy
troubles. I was no longer functional – not mentally, not emotionally, not even
physically (I was bumping into things, stubbing my toes…).
I’ll save you the drama of sleep training but we are making
progress and finally all of us are getting some sleep. All of that to say, I’ve been absent
because I’ve been struggling to meet the bare essentials. I haven’t had the
time or brain power to blog. I hope I don’t come off as complaining, I adore my
daughter and am thankful for every minute we have together; I just want to
explain that these first 6-months have been far more challenging and exhausting
than I ever could have imagined and only now am I starting to get back to
“normal” - like brushing my teeth twice a
day!
Sometimes I wonder if we were “chosen” to have such a
high-needs baby. If she had been our first, we’d probably be quite resentful
and completely out of patience. But having lost A, our gratefulness at having
Dragon keeps the rest of it in balance.
Obviously, if all my time and energy has been devoted to
caring for her, I haven’t had much time to spend with A.
And the chronic sleep deprivation has eroded the walls that compartmentalize my
grief so when I’m laying in bed or admiring my daughter, my eyes well up and
I’m flooded with memories of my sweet missing son. I really need to set aside some
time to sit and be with him, to be with all the emotions. I miss him.
Most of energy still goes to treading water but now, at least, my head is above the surface. Lately I am struggling to survive but it is a different kind
of survival from the grief stricken days.
I'm glad to see you back. I've been wondering about you and Dragon, and was hoping for the best.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry things have been so trying. And I don't say that in the sense that they are feeling trying FOR YOU, and that it's not that big of a deal. It's a huge deal not to get proper sleep, and yes yes yes to your statement - "Lately I am struggling to survive but it is a different kind of survival from the grief stricken days."
I cannot tell you how very true that has felt to me. I am almost 10 weeks in with my rainbow Theodore, and the ups - and mostly downs with his sleep these days - and downs of this whole stage in caring for him have be feelings like I'm going to fall over.
When things feels like they're getting better... and then something else steals your sleep away, it's brutal. I've kept a log of Theo's feeds/poops/pees since day 7 when he was not gaining weight, and in the past month I've also been logging his naps and nighttime sleep. I wanted to make sure I wasn't counting him out as an "ALWAYS AWAKE" baby. He does sleep, not always when we want him to, and usually it's never at the times when WE need to sleep... but we're trying. But there really isn't anything we can do when he wakes in the night and is completely off his schedule. What used to be a sure thing of 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep on the first put down, has turned into sometimes 2 or 3. And when he doesn't stay settled for the rest of the night, it's a wicked mess the next morning. And recently he has stopped being able to sooth himself to sleep during his day time naps. So my eat/restroom/shower/GET A NAP IN FOR ME routine in the morning when he would go down for 2-4 hours is out the window. And it's had me on my knees each day with him.
I've written publicly about my over the top feelings of frustration and resentment towards my little one, and the entire experience as a whole. There was some explanation behind why I was feeling so unlike myself (thyroid issues), and those feelings wear on me as well. You have a strong soul to keep everything in perspective. But it doesn't make anything you're going through any easier.
It's nice to hear that things are somewhat on the rebound. People tell me "it gets better". I believe it, but the thick of it has me thinking this whole tornado caused by sleep deprivation will soon win. And formula, or extra help, or me just passing out will one day be the outcome to have things feel bearable.
Take all the time you need. Stay away, and get your rest. My god, no one will blame you for that. I haven't picked up the on notion that BLM's who fall off the grid have a negative reputation. I figured life changes, and the blogging/commenting/following aspect of grief might end for some once they have what they oh so wanted (a baby at home).
I'm sending love to you and Dragon.
I miss A too. Oh, for sure I do.
Hoping that sleep and a happy baby are the better part of your daily routines.
Veronica - Thank you for your kind, empathetic words. It is very validating. People, including our pediatrician, have been telling us "It will get better." since the early days. There were a couple streaks of a week or so but in all honesty it's only recently close to the 6 month mark that overall things are easing up. So yes, it does get better, but unfortunately no one can tell you when! Extra help has been a life saver for me. I regularly enlist the assistance of Dragon's grandparents and aunt. I wouldn't have made it this far without them spending hours at my house.
DeleteYour youngest son, Theo, is such a cutie. Does he resemble Alexander? And don't forget that we are Momma's in addition to being dead baby mommas and we too experience the "regular" struggles of caring for an infant. Venting about such challenges in no way makes us less grateful for their existence. Sending you light and love and sending sleepy vibes to Theo.
I hear ya, yes we love and are over the moon thankful for our rainbows but we are still human and will still have frustation and anxiety over them like any other parent. I barely have time to even comment much less shower , eat, clean, and sleep thats out of the question . Severus is a hyperactive handful , its like he doesn't require sleep and he has major tantrums if you leave him for a second to go do something. Thats just the tip of the iceburg lol I am sooo thankful for him but yes also losing my sanity, its hard too because I feel I don't have time to grieve and it gets all bottled up. Severus is 9 months now and his sleep habits still suck and Ive tried and researched everything but he is healthy and excelling in all other areas so at least I don't have to worry , but I just wish we could get him into some kind of routine schedule. Maybe someday. I am out of time lol xoxo I hope dragon gets better at sleeping for you and you get some rest and piece of mind Xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Michelle, it is so exhausting. And when he's unpredictable with sleeping and routines it makes it that much more challenging. Knowing Severus is a few months older than Dragon and still is a handful makes me think perhaps my expectations are unrealistic. Thanks for sharing and hang in there!
DeleteIt's good to hear your voice here again. High needs babies...I think we got one of those, too. And I have also thought that it must be easier post-Anja than it would have been pre-Anja. I'm sorry if I've been one of those people promising that things will get better when they don't seem to be - at least at times; I would never want to minimize the feelings of frustration and worry etc.
ReplyDeleteI am also with you on not having time for A. And I miss her like crazy.
Sending love and support your way. Remembering our As together...sweet little babies.
Nothing to apologize for Friend. It must be doubly difficult to care for a high needs baby when you also have an older child at home. I hope you and your entire family are well. I think of your A often.
DeleteOh, mama. I don't have a rainbow, but I have had a baby. And even then, it's really all I could do to survive. Some babies are certainly easier than others, but I think that learning what survival mode really is is part of being a parent. Those times come and go. Sometimes, survival is all you can do, and just looking at the computer is too much, let alone thinking about a response to someone else's post, or mustering the energy to write anything down at all. You only have to survive. That's all. Take your time. Give yourself a huge break. And it will get better :)
ReplyDeleteSuzanne - this is so validating. They don't tell you about these high needs babies in all baby books. Those stupid books had me thinking I ought to have it all under control by the time she was 12-weeks-old. So I had all these ideas about infant music class, baby massage class, trotting off to lunch dates with friends. Ha! It wasn't until recently that I could manage to take her to the grocery store.
DeleteI read books, forums, websites and try to "figure" Dragon out. When she continues to be fussy or sleep poorly I feel like it is my fault. Like I'm not doing something right. Thanks for reframing it for me. Focusing on survival.
Sending you extra love as Nathaniel's birthday approaches. He's such a precious little boy.
Hang in there mama! I am sorry for all the struggles. I agree with Veronica that I don't sense the negativity when blogging slows down after a rainbow. Life changes--thank God some of those changes are beautiful amazing (and high needs) rainbows! Love to you xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks Mama! I think of you and your boys often. I was especially channeling you recently as I've struggled with leaving Dragon at daycare to return to work part-time. It's so unnatural and heart wrenching. I hate being away from her :( Does it get any easier?
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