If the internet is correct (and isn't it always?), then we're in the year of the dragon according to the Chinese zodiac. Which means that our second child, due at the end of January, will be a dragon. Yup, we're 12-weeks right now. Heard Dragon's heartbeat at the first OB checkup and saw 'em kicking around on an early 10-week ultrasound. But it's still surreal and hard to believe there's actually a baby in there.
Maybe a baby dragon image is more appropriate.
Oddly, I'm not worried about Dragon. Maybe it's because I've been so distracted by the misery of 24/7 morning sickness or perhaps it's pure denial. Honestly, I think my anxiety will ramp up later on when I can('t) feel Dragon moving. I anticipate the third trimester to be the scariest given that we lost A shortly after the 40-week mark.
In the meantime, we haven't told anyone in our real lives yet. I'd really like to not tell anyone and keep this pregnancy a secret until January when we have (hopefully) a squirmy, living baby in our arms. This isn't realistic. But that would be ideal. E suggested we wait until 16 or even 20-weeks, but with all the crackers and bread I've been eating to combat the nausea, my belly is pouching out already. I guess the more realistic thought is to wait until after our 13-week appointment to tell family and friends and I'll likely inform work the following week.
The truth is, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to hear their reactions - even the positive ones. I don't want to answer questions about how I'm doing, how E feels, etc. Worst of all, I don't want our family and friends to think we're "better" now, that the decision to conceive again means we've moved on or fully accept A's death.
To avoid people's immediate responses and also to try and communicate the best way to support E and I through this pregnancy, I'm going to write an email announcing it. Although it didn't work the way she wanted it to, I take much inspiration from Aoife's announcement email.
Upon initially learning we were pregnant, I was thrilled. Sure there was a flood of other feelings, but the predominant emotion was elation. Now, as the weeks have wore on I’m less excited and more focused on survival. I feel the need to put my head down and trudge through each day until we reach Dragon's birthday.
We’ll see how it goes. I imagine this subsequent pregnancy journey will mirror grieving in that it is an uncontrollable rollercoaster of emotions. Can we please just fast-forward to January?