If the internet is correct (and isn't it always?), then
we're in the year of the dragon according to the Chinese zodiac. Which means
that our second child, due at the end of January, will be a dragon. Yup, we're
12-weeks right now. Heard Dragon's heartbeat at the first OB checkup and saw
'em kicking around on an early 10-week ultrasound. But it's still surreal and
hard to believe there's actually a baby in there.
Maybe a baby dragon image is more appropriate.
Oddly, I'm not worried about Dragon. Maybe it's because I've
been so distracted by the misery of 24/7 morning sickness or perhaps it's pure
denial. Honestly, I think my anxiety will ramp up later on when I can('t) feel
Dragon moving. I anticipate the third trimester to be the scariest given that
we lost A shortly after the 40-week mark.
In the meantime, we haven't told anyone in our real lives
yet. I'd really like to not tell anyone and keep this pregnancy a secret until
January when we have (hopefully) a squirmy, living baby in our arms. This isn't
realistic. But that would be ideal. E suggested we wait until 16 or even
20-weeks, but with all the crackers and bread I've been eating to combat the
nausea, my belly is pouching out already. I guess the more realistic thought is
to wait until after our 13-week appointment to tell family and friends and
I'll likely inform work the following week.
The truth is, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I
don't want to hear their reactions - even the positive ones. I don't want to
answer questions about how I'm doing, how E feels, etc. Worst of all, I don't
want our family and friends to think we're "better" now, that the
decision to conceive again means we've moved on or fully accept A's death.
To avoid people's immediate responses and also to try and
communicate the best way to support E and I through this pregnancy, I'm going
to write an email announcing it. Although it didn't work the way she wanted it
to, I take much inspiration from Aoife's announcement email.
Upon initially learning we were pregnant, I was thrilled.
Sure there was a flood of other feelings, but the predominant emotion was elation.
Now, as the weeks have wore on I’m less excited and more focused on survival. I
feel the need to put my head down and trudge through each day until we reach
Dragon's birthday.
We’ll see how it goes. I imagine this subsequent pregnancy
journey will mirror grieving in that it is an uncontrollable rollercoaster of
emotions. Can we please just fast-forward to January?
Congrats!!! One day at a time. xo ps I wish I could fast forward till October too.
ReplyDeleteMy A was born in October. It's a beautiful time of year to be born. :)
DeleteYay for new life, new hope and a sibling for A!! :)
ReplyDeleteWe also sent out an e-mail and while it also didn't go exactly as planned, it took the pressure off of the emotional mess of sharing the news. I agree with Michelle, one day at a time...
Thank you Mama Bear. I am so so grateful to have you and the other babyloss Moms who are further ahead in this journey as supports and sounding boards. It would be intolerable to do this alone. Hope Puma is growing big and strong each day.
DeleteWell dragons are great. (Im a dragon so I'm biased:)
ReplyDeleteSuch good news and hard too. I'm 29 weeks and I can tell you it's been difficult to do pregnancy and grieving simultaneously... But we are here to support you through the hard times and even the moments of joy you find along the way. Giant hugs to you and your new little growing dragon baby. :)
Gosh Renel 29-weeks already! From in front of my monitor it's really flown by. Surely you have a different perspective. ;)
DeleteYou're very right about how difficult it is to do pregnancy and grieving simultaneously. Was skating along for a few weeks (read: not taking time to grieve) and then ka-bloowie huge breakdown and a low valley of depression. Surviving another 6 months feels near impossible. Thanks for showing me it is doable. Hang in there. You're so close to the finish line.
It's so heartbreaking to lose the excitement around pregnancy - of telling people and of making plans, being oblivious. I understand why you don't want to talk to anyone and - especially - why you don't want to hear some of the things you suspect people might say. People who haven't been through what we have really, really, really do not get it. Hoping, hoping, hoping for your little Dragon to grow and thrive and come out roaring, and for some peace for you along the way.
ReplyDeleteYou've worded the sentiment so perfectly. The loss of the excitement and bliss surrounding pregnancy is very sad. We'll see how the big reveal goes. I'll let you know.
DeleteCongratulations on this new life! I'm not pregnant so I haven't experienced the anxiety, but I hear so many stories and so many reports of a difficult road that ends with a beautiful baby. I hope your morning sickness quiets and you start feeling better xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSuzanne - Thank you for your kindness. I hope this news doesn't alienate you. To each her own and at her own pace. Thinking of your amazing Nathaniel as his birthday nears. Love and peace to you.
DeleteOh this is such good news!
ReplyDeleteI get so much of what you say here. In our case we had no choice but to tell our jobs straight away, and also the people closest to us because we will need their help throughout this pregnancy. But we also told ourselves that it's probably best that others know right away because we would need their support if things don't work out. But, like you, all I really want to do is announce the birth of a healthy winter baby.
Congratulations to you and E. I'm sending so much love and hope and walking right next to you from afar. Remembering A always. xx
Tash - The fact that you can offer such warm support while you're in the midst of surely one of the most difficult months of your life shows how truly compassionate you are. January feels like an eternity away. I'm concerned about the challenges ahead, but seem like a day at the beach compared to your bed rest and "high risk" status. So glad to have you and the other survivor Mom's to walk this journey with. Lots of love to you and J during this most difficult time.
DeleteCongratulations - here's to dragon babies :) Good luck navigating the news-telling. It's all so complicated, I know...
ReplyDeleteLovely news. I know how gruelling this pregnancy will feel at times... I hope you feel supported here. I must apologise for only now realising that you wrote a blog... I'm reading the whole thing, and hopefully will be up to speed and by your side for the rest of this seemingly unending pregnancy. Much love to all four of you xx
ReplyDeleteAoife - You are too sweet; reading through my entire blog to get caught up. I am touched and so very glad to have another BLM here to bolster me and share in this mind boggling reality.
DeleteThis week was A's first birthday and I am naturally in a funk, but each time you commented here in Griefland, I got an email and it was exactly the quiet kind of support I needed. Thank you.