The weather in Griefland lately has been mostly gray skies. I don’t want to do anything. I prefer to curl up on the couch and bide my time until it’s time for bed. This is similar to the strategy I used in the early weeks after A died. Just get through this day.
Isolation is most appealing to me and I prefer to hide out in my house than spend time with anyone other than my husband. Poor guy, he tries to encourage me to at least come outside and enjoy the summer sunshine. But I just want to burrow inside.
And the crying. I am so weepy lately. Any little thing sets it off, but mostly it is the onslaught of thoughts and memories of A. For some reason, my brain keeps replaying the events surrounding A’s birth over and over and over again.
This weather pattern has been holding steady over Griefland for weeks now. What does it mean? Am I depressed? Is this normal grieving? Should I do something?
I attended support group a week or two ago for the first time in months. It wasn’t very helpful to me because there was a couple present who had just experienced a first trimester loss days earlier. All of the focus was on them – rightfully so. But I left feeling unfulfilled and a little disappointed that group wasn’t the magic pill to alleviate my symptoms.
I’ve also started back up regular individual counseling sessions. We’ll see how that goes.
In the meantime, I try not to judge my actions. I try to do what’s best for me, but is hibernating in mid-summer really best?