Friday, February 22, 2013

The Things People Say

There is always a concern that a rainbow baby will mislead others to thinking you are ‘all better.’ I have found that since Dragon was born only a few people have brought up A in conversation. This is more than a little disheartening. It doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation about how I’m coping with this living infant given A’s stillbirth but even something more superficial like, “Do you think she looks like her brother?” Or “How much did A weigh when he was born?” You know, typical questions a mom might be asked when her second child is born.

So it is especially wonderful when those few people do talk about A. In particular, I was touched by a card one of my mother’s friends sent, a woman who I have met only a couple times and who (to my knowledge) has never lost a child. She wrote this:

“Congratulations! I remember feeling a little sad during my second pregnancy – not wanting to displace my first or love him less. Then number 2 comes along and miraculously it is wonderful! Your heart just gets bigger and you love even more. A is not forgotten. God bless both your children.”

It was a perfect sentiment. Without minimizing the stressful subsequent pregnancy, she made me feel like a ‘normal’ mom; plus she acknowledged A and his absence.

In contrast, I sat across the room from E’s aunt the other night. She had Dragon in her arms and we were chatting. She asked me if Dragon was my mother’s first grandchild. Obviously she didn’t think that question through, but I wasn’t going to just let it slip by; let A slip by. So I replied that A was the first grandchild for my parents and that they are over-the-moon in love with Dragon. Sheesh!

And so the quest to keep my son in people’s minds and lives continues with the added challenge that they are happily distracted by his little sister now.


  1. :-/ It's so weird when muggles try to forget our babies, because they just.don' Does Dragon look like A? How much did A weigh when he was born? I am curious about the stories you'll tell dragon about her big brother, and the role he'll take in your family dynamics.

    Wishing you as much bliss and joy as you can stand xoxoxo

    1. I don't know what stories we'll tell her about her brother and there's no plan for incorporating him into our family. I often speak to her of him as in, "Look at that beautiful sunset. Big brother sent that to us. Thank you big brother."

      There is a resemblance between my children - I see him mostly in her eyes and nose - and that makes me so happy. Dragon weighed 6 1/2 pounds at 37w4d and A weighed 7 1/2 pounds at 40w5d. Thanks for asking. :)

  2. What a lovely, perfect card. It is always such a welcome surprise and relief when people are able to calmly acknowledge the babies that aren't here.

  3. I dont have the patience anymore for anyone that doesnt acknowledge my Jack, we dont spend time with anyone except those closest family members that were with us through all of it, that knew Jack ,loved Jack and will never forget him or try to. Our house is just covered wall to wall with Jack's photos, we realize that before Severus gets older we will have to put up lots of his photos too so he doesnt get a complex lol I guess in a way we are incorporating Severus into Jack's life.
    That was a nice card, it's always nice to know that someone who hasnt gone through this tragedy still gets it.
    xo to you, Dragon and A

  4. It always surprises me when people you know only slightly are kinder than the people you do know. My niece and nephew were both born in March, as was my daughter. My sister has sent out two emails talking about how busy March would be celebrating both of their birthdays. I have responded to each, reminding her of Margaret's birthday, which falls between the two other birthdays. She has not acknowledged either email. It breaks my heart, if my own family can't acknowledge her... Other people - they're the worst!!

  5. Awesomeness, thank you for stopping by and for your comment. Some people, even family, just don't get it and are too scared to inquire.

    Thinking of you and sweet Margaret as her first birthday approaches.