We are fortunate to live close to both of our jobs. When the
weather is nice, I ride my bike to work. Last year, A and I rode all summer
long. Autumn was mild so I rode my bike to and from work up until 36-weeks
gestation (at that point it became too difficult to swing my leg up and over
the bar on my bike; it’s a dude bike). A good friend suggested taking a photo
of big ole pregnant me on my bicycle. E snapped one picture around that 36-week
mark as I pulled up to our house. I love that photo.
I hadn’t thought much about this until Monday evening when I
checked the forecast and decided to ride to work the following morning for the
first time this year. Poor E. We were relaxing on the couch and I casually
mentioned I would be biking to work in the morning and then let out a yelp and
started bawling.
It hit me that the last time I was on my bike, A and I were
together. I considered how much time we spent together on the bicycle. Going to and from
work, to and from prenatal appointments, riding with E too to hear outdoor
music or go to the market. Some people thought I was out of my mind for commuting
this way while pregnant but I knew we were safe and it kind of gave me a sense
of pride. I anticipated parenting my baby my own way, even in the face of
criticism from others; this was just an early example of that.
I did ride my bike to and from work the rest of this past week and
I did not have another meltdown about it. Biking each day was a special
activity that A and I shared, communing with each other and it’s just another
reminder of how sorely I miss his presence. I look forward to riding together
again someday with my precious son.
So many little triggers. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI love that you have such nice memories about peaceful times spent with A. I bet he loved the nice motion.
Awe- I love that you rode your bike all big and prego. The Dutch think it's no biggie. I too rode my bike my entire pregnancy with Camille and had Kai in his infant seat right in front of me everytime. It gives me a smile to know I got to take both my kids on bike rides, together. I haven't ridden my bike this pregnancy. I think it's one of those things that I'm just not sure how I would feel emotionally. Or maybe because Kai rides his own bike so he doesn't depend on me for the wind in your face love of the bicycle. I usually walk now while he rides. Maybe we should change that.
ReplyDeleteI say keep riding. Maybe it will help you feel closer to your baby or both babies. Sending a giant bike hug.
Those are terrific memories of your complete family spending time together. It's obvious Kai is an excellent big brother and surely his newest sister will know that immediately.
DeleteI have fond memmories too of Codie and I hiking. I was about to burst in my pregnancy with Jack on our last hike, we discovered a hidden waterful, it was all so beautiful and Jack was so content and happy. I am glad you have these memmories as well with your son to cherish. xo
ReplyDeleteWith Spring here i've been finding all the firsts without Liam so difficult too. I'm now wearing the same clothes I wore when I was pregnant again. I put on the stretchy dress I bought two sizes up when I was 4 months pregnant for the first time last week and had a huge meltdown.
ReplyDeleteI also used to ride my bike pregnant, something that I now know that when you have an incompetent cervix you shouldn't be doing. I hate that I was so clueless about my own body and what I was doing to my baby.
But this weekend I bought a new basket for my bike and I went for a ride for the first time. Like you, I love to bike. I like to think that Liam enjoyed our rides together, just as A enjoyed riding with you.
Sending love and peace. Remembering A always. xx
Yes Tash, yes! The wardrobe is chock full of triggers. So many summery dresses with extra room that I can still wear now. Or the shirts that are pilled in the center because I was always rubbing my giant belly and playing with A.
DeleteI am confident that Liam loved your bike rides too. The rhythm, fresh air, thumping Mommy heart. I wish he could be here to enjoy a bike ride outside the womb. He'd surely love the outdoors as much as his parents.
Love and patience to you.
I love the image of you riding your bike hugely pregnant with A. My mom was riding her bike around the night she was in labour with me! These things we associate so closely with our pregnancies and our babies are so hard. But, like Renel, I hope that riding your bike now can help you feel close to A.
ReplyDeleteOh, I so understand these rituals that I shared with Nathaniel. Going for walks by the river. I'd take him out to breakfast once or twice a week. It took me months to go back to one of our favorite restaurants, and I still haven't been back to another. Yes, a year ago, we were doing different things with our babies. I wish so, so much that they were here!
ReplyDeleteAll the rituals and the memories. Those months that we carried our boys are the only memories we have. It makes them all the more significant. Special meals, concerts, holidays, inane daily occurrences made special by that precious child inside. Nathaniel would be a blast at his age this time of year. He should be here keeping you on your toes.
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