Sunday, May 6, 2012


The passage of time is undeniable. Spring is in full bloom and the yard beckons. E and I spent hours outside this week mowing, weeding and pruning. But I never once stopped thinking of sweet baby A.

He should be here with us, experiencing his first spring. We’d plop him in the center of a blanket while we worked nearby only to turn around and realize he’d scootched over to the edge of the blanket and was quizzically shoving tiny fistfuls of grass into his mouth! Perhaps the pack-n-play is a better option or maybe Daddy will strap you into the carrier.

I’d slather on the sunscreen and put a brimmed hat on your downy head. Don’t pay any attention when Daddy says you look doofy.

“This is a lilac, A. Can you smell it? No, no don’t eat it! Smell it.”

Almost 7-months-old, I long for your pudgy sausage-link legs, your creases for wrists, your dimples for knuckles. Delighting in your ever-emerging personality.

I cannot do the simplest task without missing you intensely. Wondering if you’d still wake me during the night to nurse. What I wouldn’t give for a poor night’s sleep! I cannot step foot outside the house without wanting you to be on my hip or in your stroller.  All of the neighbor babies are out on their porches or strolling the sidewalks. That should be us Love. That should be us.

Beautiful, sunny Spring with your blooms and warmth, you’re making me feel miserable.


  1. Oh the fantasies of what should be.... Our lilacs have come and gone already in the hot area in the california valley theyonly last about 2 weeks but they smell divine. Spring time is still here but summer is creeping in. I dread it. Not only be ause I hate the summer here but because it will mark the 1 year loss of Camille who should be here smelling lilacs with us as Baby A should be for you. I hope the sunshine soothes your soul in a small way. Take anextra sniff for your baby of those blossoms.

  2. Oh I feel every word you say here. All the mummas out on strolls with their babies, taking in Spring blooms and the sunshine, it should be us too. We should be showing A. and L. their first Spring.

    I started a small garden of forget me nots for Liam last week. It's all I can do for him, he'll never get to see it but it's his garden and I tend to it every morning and I think of my baby boy.

    Thinking of you. Remembering your sweet A. xx

    1. Of course I wish you were too busy adventuring with Liam and mothering him in the flesh, to have any time to garden. But alas, he is not here with you.

      This is a lovely gift Tash. Liam's garden and designated time each morning to devote to him. It made my heart smile.

  3. That should be you. I wish it were. I wish wishing could make it so. And I know exactly what you mean. Thinking of you and little A.

  4. Oh, I miss this, too! I miss the physicality of mothering, I miss the body of Nathaniel, the sweet chubby fingers and rolls on his thighs. I can feel his absence when I leave the house. He should be ON me, he should be with me, physically, all the time. That connection. That something I can touch. Like the lilac (LOVE that image!). Just last night I was in the bath and imagining him in the bath with me. If he could sit on my stomach and splash in the water, tell me his stories in his baby talk babbling. Squeal.

  5. Oh Suzanne those are fantastic visuals! Can you see his wet head, squealing with delight as he splashes? Right about now, you should be thinking about Nathaniel's first birthday celebration; marveling at how time flies and how big your baby is getting. I am so sorry he's not here with you.

    Thank you for stopping by here. Holding in my mind happy images of you and Nathaniel enjoying Spring together.