Last year, I started bonding with A when he was literally
the size of a lentil - just a ball
of cells. I immediately felt connected, began referring to he and I as, “us,” and
thought about that gestating baby constantly. This is not the case during my
present pregnancy.
One of the hang-ups, is that I am having trouble accepting
this new baby because it is not A. Perhaps some of this is normal second
pregnancy stuff where a mom questions her capacity to love another child as
much as she loves her firstborn. He is the one I fell in love with. He is all I’ve
known. He is my heart's desire. But he is gone. Gone, gone, gone.
These two babies, A and Dragon, are inextricably
intertwined. If A had lived, I most likely wouldn't be pregnant again so soon
and thus Dragon wouldn't exist. Plus A's brief life and inexplicable death
have colored this new pregnancy and my outlook as a parent. Surely each
baby is different and each child has their own personality,
but I don't know A's personality all that well and Dragon and I are just
getting acquainted.
My only other pregnancy and mothering experience is with A.
Sometimes my mind slips and I swear I am standing in last year again - pregnant,
wearing the same maternity clothes, consciously eating the same healthy foods -
but reality comes back into focus and I am destroyed all over again; devastated
that this baby in my womb, alive and kicking, is not A. This, of course, is
quickly followed by a bout of guilt that I am doing Dragon a disservice.
But, I cannot stroke my growing belly and not want for the
child that is missing. I cannot untangle my hope and love for this new child
with the despair and anguish associated with my firstborn.
The acknowledgement that this new baby is not him, feels as
crushing as when I watched the too-still ultrasound screen last October
confirming the unfathomable.
I just want him. Even if Dragon makes it here safely, I'm
still going to want A. Even if I go on to have a dozen living children, I will
still want A. And my heart is not yet willing to accept that he will forever be
absent.
Oh, I feel I know exactly how you feel. I wrote about it last week...that he didn't have to die. He should not have died. I'll always need him to be ok. No matter how many new children follow. Instincts are roaring...caring for the new, but desperately needing the first to be here....okay...with you. I'm looking forward to the next...when that time comes...but it's crushing, but yes...I too have to remind myself, it's not Alexander. So, my excitement gets curbed. And I have to find a brand new way to look at being pregnant again. It won't be A.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so so sorry
I don't know how we can expect the heart to accept that our babies are gone forever. I know that my heart refuses to accept it. I long for Nathaniel so much - to hold him, to nurse him, to nurture him, to mother him. . .Every cell of my being is so keenly aware that he's not in my arms. I don't know how to reconcile the animal longing for my baby with the brain understanding this loss. Maddening.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you and A, the new little one growing, and however many more come <3
"Every cell of my being is so keenly aware that he's not in my arms. I don't know how to reconcile the animal longing for my baby with the brain understanding this loss. Maddening." So true Suzanne.
Delete"I just want him. Even if Dragon makes it here safely, I'm still going to want A." Me too. My heart will never accept that Liam is gone. My heart will always ache for him, no matter if his sibling makes it or not. An irreplaceable void will always remain.
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean about it sometimes feeling like last year all over again. J and I have experienced so many "déjà vu" moments in this pregnancy that leaves us speechless at times. We are taking many of the same steps that we took last year, and all we can do is hope that we can get past 24 weeks when Liam died, and to our 28-week goal, the same goal we had for our Liam. Its so strange to have a goal to pass when your last child died.
My feelings and thoughts have been so tangled lately that I find it hard to come up with the words. I'm not posting these days on my blog, but i'm here, reading and walking this journey with you. I'm 21 weeks now, we are so close in our gestations. My email is tashmomy@gmail.com if ever you want to talk. For now my heart is sending you, A and baby #2 love. xx
Yes...people are not replaceable...Dragon is not A and you will always want and miss A. Stroke your belly and think of both of your children. Stroke it and love them and want them both. send thoughts of life to Dragon and cry tears of loss for A. A mother of two is never filled with only one emotion and is rarely thinking of just one child... you heart is big enough for them both, hugs to you sweet mama.
ReplyDeleteWise words from a Momma who has made it to the other side. Thank you Renel. I think of you and your entire 5-member family often.
DeleteSome days, worryingly, I think I will never stop wanting to have children... I will want more and more and it will never be enough because it will never be him. Don't get me wrong, I love Hugo so so much, but it's so strange to think that he wouldn't exist if Seamus hadn't died. I just want them both. I wish I could just have them both -here, alive, happy healthy... boringly normal.
ReplyDeleteYes, is it too much to ask to have both of our children here, alive?
DeleteBoringly normal is all I want. Even when I project what life with A would be like these days I try to be realistic like how he may be getting into trouble at daycare for biting or how there would be days when I would be burnt out from Mommy duties. I want poopy diaper blow-outs, I want ear infections and inoculations. I want teething and parenting challenges.