Sunday, June 3, 2012

Birthday Shmirthday


I recently had a birthday. The number of my age doesn’t bother me all that much. My experience has been that special occasions, holidays and family gatherings all seem to magnify A’s absence. It makes those supposed-to-be-happy events god-awful.

After coming off Mother’s Day, I knew I did not want to make a big deal out of my birthday. Typically there is dinner with my Mom and family and another dinner with my Dad and family. Plus whatever E plans special for us. This year, I just wanted to ignore my birthday. I didn’t want any acknowledgement, just wanted to shut my eyes and wake up on the other side of it.

I called off all birthday get-togethers. E and I went out to a low-key dinner that was exactly what I needed without any of the fanfare. Then came the well wishes. I don’t mean to sound unappreciative that folks think of me on my birthday, but I hated every single message. The texts, emails, cards and voicemails from family and friends were infuriating.  (My friend and fellow babylost mommy had a similar experience.)

“Enjoy your special day today!”

“May this year be your happiest!”

“Hope you’re having a wonderful day!”

Are you effing kidding me?

Now I can understand this sort of superficial nonsense from Facebook acquaintances who may not know that A was stillborn in the fall, but to hear this crap from people in my life who are well aware of the hell I’m living is flabbergasting. I wanted to personally retort to each message.

“Enjoy your special day today!”
            Eff you. Today does not feel special. It feels horrible.

“May this year be your happiest!”
            Not unless you can resurrect my son!

“Hope you’re having a wonderful day!”
            How can I possibly have a wonderful day? Don’t you realize what a struggle it is to survive each day? Don’t you listen when I explain how intensely I miss my son and hate this life without him?

I am glad the birthday shenanigans are over. I am glad I can stop smiling through gritted teeth thanking people for their “kind” thoughts. I am glad I can go back to my daily routine of focusing on survival instead of focusing on A’s absence.

8 comments:

  1. Ha! I snorted at "Not unless you can resurrect my son!" I know it's not really funny, but imagine the person's reaction if you actually said that. Ha. In serious though it really is mind-boggling that it doesn't occur to people to come up with some different kind of birthday wish under the circumstances. I've started using 'I hope you get some good cake,' because who doesn't like cake - happy or sad? Or, maybe that's just me. Thinking of you as always, and hoping hoping hoping that this year does hold some good and even wondrous things for you, my friend.

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  2. I actually did recieve one from someone who had a brain and was actually thoughtful. It just had a picture on the front of flowers and their own words written on the inside that said thinking of you on your birthday and always. No "happy birthday" or anything about celebrating and it was the best card for me.

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    1. I'm glad there are thoughtful people in your life. The day is hard enough already and then add insensitive comments on top.

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  3. My birthday sucked really really bad! Ivwas a total disaster. It was supposed to be different! I'm sorry that you got all the lane lane statements everyone else gets. People sure know how to make things worse dont they. I know your birthday sucked, but I'm glad you are alive seems much more appropriate.

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    1. "I'm glad you're alive seems much more appropriate." True dat. Survival is a major theme of my daily existence since A died.

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  4. I should add that I use my 'cake' comment for everyone now, just in case they're living through something I don't know about and don't want to be wished happy birthday any more than I do. If it were someone I *knew* was grieving, I would be a bit more sensitive (I hope!).

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  5. Flabbergasting is right. I got all the same wishes on my birthday. It was shitty and it sure does make me question the depth of some of the relationships in my life. Thinking of you xx

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    1. Sometimes it makes me question our whole society. Before A died, I thought I knew the "right" things to say to someone who was hurting. I think bbackhoe and wonder if I said anything stupid.

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