A Childless Father

There is so much to say about the phenomenal man who loves me unconditionally and whom I proudly call the father of my child. As I sat down to write a post for Father’s Day, out poured pages and pages and tears and tears. Perhaps I’ve been avoiding writing about E because it strikes to the very center of my being. When I think of him and A together that brief day or imagine how they’d interact today, the emotion splits me completely in half.

I was very proud and so thrilled to give the man I love a child. I always knew he’d be a wonderful Dad. He has the perfect blend of responsibility, wit, patience and humor. As the pregnancy wore on, it became apparent just how badly he too wanted a baby.

E was attentive through weeks of childbirth class even doing further research on his own. He practiced swaddling dolls and looked forward to bouncing our baby into serenity on the exercise ball. In the heat of summer, with myself unable to assist, he spent days replacing windows in our apartment because they tested positive for lead.

He would talk to A, shine a flashlight through my skin, prod and play with his ever growing baby. When we found out A was breech, E would physically support me as I hung my enormous self halfway off the couch trying to flip him head down. He would tie a sling around my back to ease the aching. He carried my bicycle in and out of the house each day. I can on and on.

The support he gave during the pregnancy, his thoughtful preparations anticipating our child’s arrival and his dedicated interactions with A in utero further confirmed what a fantastic father he would be. But watching him instinctively wash, wrap and cuddle his newborn son solidified it. The tenderness with which he held and sang to him overflowed my heart with love. He advocated for his child and me during our ordeal at the hospital and ever since. 

He wrote a heartfelt note to A and left it in the bassinet with him when it was time to leave. He pushed the bassinet to the window so A could enjoy his first and only sunset. He practically carried me out of the hospital that night and he hasn’t set me down yet.

Although this isn’t the way I had pictured Father’s Day 2012, my darling E still deserves  recognition and honor for being an incredible parent and a devoted Daddy.