Sunday, September 15, 2013


I finally feel like I’ve got it together (most days); juggling work, baby, home, husband and other life responsibilities. It is exhausting and consuming, but as of late, I’ve felt that I have a handle on it (most days). There are times I am so engrossed in the day-to-day necessities I forget I even reside in Griefland. And then, while traipsing along, focused on keeping all of my juggling balls in the air – WHAM - I am knocked flat on my back.

Saturday morning I walked outside into the bright, warm sunshine and inhaled the crisp, cool autumn air. It was a picture perfect fall day and it brought me to my knees. 

I went out running errands. As I drove, I admired the day and breathed in the season; my eyes welled. I pulled it together to run into my first stop. Fifteen minutes later, back in the car alone, I spot a small tree already changed color; my eyes well again. I park at the grocery store and blink hard on my way in. I manage to do all the shopping without a break down. In the car on the ride home I cannot deny it any longer. It feels like the wind got knocked out of me. It feels like there is a cinder block on my chest. I sob.

This gorgeous autumn day left me trampled.

I miss him. I want so desperately to know him.


  1. Oh "seasons" of grief. Mine comes in early spring as February of 2012 was so mild and springlike. I sat in my bathtub crying, expressing my milk from my engorged breasts in March as I smelled the dewy spring air blow through my window. Winter is tough too.. But last spring hit me every time I went into my washroom. Like twisted my guts in pain with memories of having him, then not.

    Sending love to you as your season of grief creeps in

  2. Wanting to *know* him...Yes. I wonder who she was and hate that I never got to know. It's turning very fall-like here, too, now. In some ways, fall is my season of A, too, because it was the happiest part of my pregnancy with her - out of the first trimester, sure she was coming, planning for sisters and my new baby girl. Sending so much love to you right now as October approaches.

  3. <3 These days of echoing can be so painful. Glad that your life keeps you busy and engaged with the things that make the world churn around and around. Because how many days can we sit and breathe in Griefland?

    Be good to yourself in these upcoming weeks, mama. I wish I knew him, too.


  4. I wish you still knew him too. xoxo