Hello out there. I realize it has been some time since I
last posted. There is a negative portrayal of dead baby mamas who cease
blogging after their Rainbow is born. While I can see the appeal and
distraction of a new live baby, it isn’t the whole story of what’s been going
on in Griefland.
After baby Dragon’s unexpected and traumatic birth,
we had the usual no-sleep, constant baby-tending couple months. She then
settled herself into a nice predictable routine. And then, the wheels came off.
She was fussy and needy. She wouldn’t nap unless someone was holding her. She
was crying while nursing and bucking at the breast. Her nighttime sleep
actually worsened. I was at my wit’s end trying to understand my child and what
she needed because clearly I was not guessing correctly. Meanwhile I was back
to work part-time.
Fast forward another 6-8 weeks and after the pediatrician
erroneously diagnosed her bloody stools as an anal fissure the G.I. specialist
suggested Dragon had an allergy to the dairy in my diet. Since I have been dairy free our
daughter is a happier, easier baby. AND THEN she started waking up every 45-60
minutes at night, all night long. WTF kid?! I thought we just fixed your tummy
troubles. I was no longer functional – not mentally, not emotionally, not even
physically (I was bumping into things, stubbing my toes…).
I’ll save you the drama of sleep training but we are making
progress and finally all of us are getting some sleep. All of that to say, I’ve been absent
because I’ve been struggling to meet the bare essentials. I haven’t had the
time or brain power to blog. I hope I don’t come off as complaining, I adore my
daughter and am thankful for every minute we have together; I just want to
explain that these first 6-months have been far more challenging and exhausting
than I ever could have imagined and only now am I starting to get back to
“normal” - like brushing my teeth twice a
day!
Sometimes I wonder if we were “chosen” to have such a
high-needs baby. If she had been our first, we’d probably be quite resentful
and completely out of patience. But having lost A, our gratefulness at having
Dragon keeps the rest of it in balance.
Obviously, if all my time and energy has been devoted to
caring for her, I haven’t had much time to spend with A.
And the chronic sleep deprivation has eroded the walls that compartmentalize my
grief so when I’m laying in bed or admiring my daughter, my eyes well up and
I’m flooded with memories of my sweet missing son. I really need to set aside some
time to sit and be with him, to be with all the emotions. I miss him.
Most of energy still goes to treading water but now, at least, my head is above the surface. Lately I am struggling to survive but it is a different kind
of survival from the grief stricken days.
