Sunday, January 29, 2012

Grief Sucks

This grief process is especially frustrating to me. I am an analytical person whose mind works in logical ways. 

Grief is not linear. You do not progress in a specific, traceable pattern. Instead it is a looping rollercoaster going upside down, inside out and even backwards! Worse yet, every one’s grief rollercoaster is individual to them. No other person can tell you what to expect, how far you’ve come, how much longer until you start to feel better. I wish there was an expert who could offer such feedback. Like how a medical doctor can offer insight into your physical healing:

“Gee Doc, what do you think, am I well enough to return to work?”

“Well judging from these X-rays, you aren’t quite healed enough. 
You should stay home another month.”

It’s not like you have a choice. If you don’t face the grief, it just piles up around you; waiting for you to acknowledge it or exploding when you least expect it. It’ll never go away. Like they say, you have to go through it. If only there were an emergency exit; some escape from these horrible feelings, from this hell-ish existence. I don’t know how much longer I can do this grief work. It’s so draining.

I’ve heard after the first year or two, many women tend to feel better. To a newly bereaved mom like me, 1 to 2 years seems like an eternity. And still no one can guarantee that I, personally will feel better then. It’s all subjective.

This sucks!

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