Halloween is a big deal in my family. As a child growing up
we went all out. The house was decorated inside and out, candy was stocked by
the front door, a dummy sat stuffed with leaves in the yard and we played
spooky music out the windows. We always carved pumpkins as a family. Even as I
got older and we no longer needed a chaperone to trick-or-treat my parents
would still don costumes to man the front door and pass out candy.
Ever since E and I got together, he has adopted my zeal for
the holiday. Each year we brainstorm our costumes and head out to at least one
party. He isn’t as enthusiastic about standing near the door handing out candy,
but he definitely peeks to see the adorable and clever ghouls and goblins that
stop by.
With a due date in mid-October we knew our baby would definitely be here before Halloween. I was ready to
share one of my favorite holidays with my child even if he wouldn’t remember
it. For me it was about family traditions.
After thinking about it for a while I had decided on a cute
costume idea and enlisted my mother. She made an adorable newborn costume from
scratch for her first grandchild. She still has this costume at her house but I
have a photo of it that I carry on my phone. Looking at it makes me smile with
pride, seethe with anger and weep with anguish.
Having just gotten through the tumult of A’s first birthday, I
am still staggering to regain my footing. As I had anticipated, Halloween set me back even further; a favorite holiday in his autumnal season.
Well my last post was about Halloween too and it is a hard holiday for me but for different reasons. what was the costume your made? or are you not sharing that? I am sorry A is not here and the Autumal season pains you so...
ReplyDeleteIt was a hatchling costume: plush egg torso with a jagged neckline, white hat with jags all around the bottom, yellow leggings. Cozy, warm and fitting for our newborn who was just hatched. If you, or anyone, would like to see a photo I will share via personal email. Just shoot me an email - Griefland [dot] Greetings [at] gmail [dot] com.
DeleteThinking of you, and your missing A.
ReplyDeleteThe costume sounds precious. I'm glad she still has it.
I think you've just hit the nail on the head - it's about those family traditions. You imagine so vividly how the day will be because you've done it so many times over within your family when you were a child. And once you've placed them in that picture... extracting them from it again is just such a painful process.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are feeling wobbly at the moment. I wish you some respite soon xx
I'm coming to feel that holidays . . . just suck. Particularly those that used to be fun or favorite or important. I used to love Thanksgiving, but I know that I am not going to be able to handle being around family this year. It's just still weird and uncomfortable. I don't know what next year will bring, or the year after that. Or the year after that. But maybe someday the grief won't be as thick during the holidays.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya Suzanne. These are not our first holidays without A. But I mourn the loss of the experience fresh - this Thanksgiving he would have been eating some table foods; this Christmas he would be tearing open gifts and interactively playing. I am adrift in the same boat as you wondering if the holidays will ever get easier.
DeleteAs for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, I'm still undecided about whether or not I'll attend any family gatherings.