Sunday, October 21, 2012

A’s First Birthday

I am still stumbling after A’s first birthday earlier this week. Once I get my footing back, I’ll have more to say. In the mean time, here is the letter I wrote to my sweet boy on his birthday. It’s disjointed because it was written spontaneously as the sentiments came to me.

     Happy first birthday My Love. You’d be such a big boy by now. Daddy and I would shake our heads in disbelief while we marveled at how much you’ve grown and how each day we love you more than the last.

     I think we would have a low-key day. I’d bake you a mini-cake. After dinner we’d set that cake on your highchair tray. You’d eye it with curiosity a bit unsure of what it is or what to do with it. Tentatively you’d poke at it with your chubby index finger and eventually dive right in pressing fistfuls to your face. Cake and icing is smeared everywhere. You’re an absolute mess! And Daddy captured it all on video. (Definitely a bath night!)

     Daddy would wait until you were in your crib, down for the night, then he’d pull me close, kiss my forehead and we’d recount your birth story while we expressed our awe and gratitude at your existence and our little family of three.

     A, today the sun I shining brightly, the fall foliage is peaking and it is going to be unseasonably warm. It is an absolutely beautiful, perfect day to be born.

     Twelve months is a sliver of a lifetime but in this past year we would have learned so much about you (and ourselves).

     I want to know what your laugh sounds like.

     I want to know what your favorite foods are.

     I want to know where your tickle spots are.

     I want to know if you like to swim and splash in the water.

     I want to know your personality.

     I want to know your preferred sleep position.

     I want to know if you’d still be nursing (even just at bedtime).

     I want to know what silly face, or voice, or behavior of Daddy’s slays you every time.

     I honestly think I miss you even more now but I know too, that as time has passed my love has also grown. I mean it when I say Daddy and I love you more than words can express.


  1. Oh A...How you are missed. In all the ways that were stated. In all the millions of ways it wasn't. You should be here. I am just so sorry that this birthday wasn't different. It should be so different. Sending light and love to you.

  2. Lovely letter. I want us to know all of those things about our boys...

    A whole year felt so big to me - I hope you get your footing back soon.

  3. I've been thinking about you and your A.

    You're right - this is such a perfect time to be born.

    I wish things were so different. I just wish so badly that our babies were here, and not dead. That sums up my feelings most days. It could all be so simple.

    My heart is heavy for you. Your letter was beautiful.

  4. A beautiful letter. I am constantly amazed by all the things we'll never know about our children, but then also, by all the things we DO know: how much we love them, how much we know they were ours, were supposed to be here. I hope you find your footing again in the next few days or weeks. Sending lots of love and 'healing' thoughts your way.

  5. I'm thinking of you, and hoping you find your footing back soon.

    Your letter to A is beautiful.

    So much love and light being sent your way. x