Earlier this week I had to maneuver our car out of a tricky
parallel parking spot that I shimmied into the day before. It took many
minutes. I had the radio off, all windows down and was sweating from
concentration and nervousness. I finally managed to free the car from the
parking space. Due to the angle of escape, I pulled up closely next to the car in front of me and went to
straighten myself out so that I could drive away when SCCRRRRAPE!
I wanted to fling myself from the car and surrender. I give
up. I'm done trying. I quit life. I wanted to just run away, car running, door
wide open; flee.
My tires were still cocked and I had accidentally caught the
other car. It appears as though the damage is minor and there is only a small
batch of scratches on my vehicle but I was still distraught. It took all my
will power not to burst into tears right then and there. After I re-parked,
wrote a note, left it on the other car and was safely inside my home, I sobbed.
I feel like such a failure. I’ve been driving for over a
decade and I can't even park my own damn car on the same damn street I've been
parking it on for over 2 years. WTF is wrong with me.
I cannot manage daily tasks and stressors anymore (Exhibit A
the pile of dirty, stinking - literally
- dishes in my sink). As soon as I heard the awful sound of my car scraping
against the other my first thought was, Call E! Except he was out of town at
high-pressure business meetings. Besides the poor bloke takes on enough of my
crap. His once independent, capable wife now relies on him for practically
everything. I just keep heaping all of my own stress, anxiety and baggage on
top of his shoulders, which are already hunched with the weight of his own
grief and strife.
I’m like an invalid who relies on E to carry me through each
day, deferring to him for all decisions (even the most minor), expecting him to
help maintain the last shred of my self-esteem, provide me with
companionship and entertainment and so much more.
It’s been five days since the accident and I haven’t heard
from the folks who own the other car. They have since driven the car. I’ve seen
it parked on the other side of the street. This means they must have got my note. I wish they’d call so I could get
some resolution. I’m willing to pay for the damage. But this state of pending
only adds to my anxiety.
This stupid, avoidable accident is just another example of
how incompetent I am these days. I just suck at life lately. I feel
so incapacitated. How long is this going to last? When will I be able to
function well again? Will I ever feel like myself?
My husband got a new truck in December. He loves this truck as much as you can possibly love a vehicle! In March, I was trying to back it into the garage. I told him I couldn't do it. He encouraged me to keep going. He tried to help direct, I snapped back a stressed retort. Then I scraped the side of the garage. White paint; shiny new black truck. I did quit. Burst into tears, put the truck in park, half sticking out of the garage and went inside the house. Incompetent, stupid, emotional basketcase. Yup, I get it. Even the most basic things take so much energy. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteForget an item on the grocery list? Devolve into tears. Spill something on my clothes at work? Tear up. Accidentally burn dinner? Burst into sobs.
DeleteAnd you're so right about how even the most basic tasks take Herculean effort. It's got to get better right?
I think my first comment just got eaten. More incompetence! Just wanted to say that you are not alone in this - I am standing - incompetently - alongside you all the way. I still can't grocery shop for more than just dinner that day - I cannot believe that it is still so difficult to plan two consecutive dinners, but it is. It really is. And then I want to cry because I have to go to the f**ing grocery store every f**ing day. Some days I just want to sit on the curb partway there, put my head in my hands and cry.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya sister. The smallest, everyday tasks will frustrate me to tears. Where is the overachieving, multitasking, go-getter who existed in my form the previous 27 years? I wish she'd come back already.
DeleteConsidering I was a crappy before lol I havent even attempted to drive since Jack. I also have this horrible anxiety that bad things arent finished happening to us paranoia so that doesnt help.xo
ReplyDeleteMichelle - I know that paranoia. I'm terrified E will die in some random car accident or something else crazy. I'm frightened that even if Dragon survives birth the child will die before me. Absolutely convinced that bad things will continue to happen to us and that there is nothing I can do to prevent it or protect us. That really does a number on my subconscious stress level.
DeleteI was going go get my license when I was pregnant (horrible, I know. Almost 30 and still can't legally drive a car!) I studied, and was ready to take the test for my beginners. Never did it. Now, I'm far too terrified of my own incompetence to freshen up on my studies, and finally go for it.
ReplyDeleteI get asked weekly if I've done it yet.
No, I'm still managing getting the dishes done daily.
All at our own pace, we're doing just fine.
Ah yes, all those projects, large and small that weren't completed "before the baby comes." They may never get finished. Like you said, I can barely get through the day-to-day showering, dressing, working, eating business.
DeleteThe upside is that now that pre-baby to-do list is practically meaningless compared with losing A. Those things just don't matter anymore (yet they still inflict a small amount of guilt - a remnant of my former self I suppose).
I could have written this piece myself, so much of it resonated with me. In the past year I have wept, "I am such a fucking failure. My entire life, I'm just a complete fucking failure." (I'm so sorry for the vulgarity. I'm not usually this vulgar, but what can I do? I'm bereaved. . .)
ReplyDeleteWhen I've talked to my therapist about it (a fellow blm), she told me that losing a baby can feel like such a fundamental failure - the failure to reproduce. I feel like I have failed in my humanity. It SUCKS. But here we are. Here we are with you, in solidarity.
And in love <3