Earlier this week I had to maneuver our car out of a tricky parallel parking spot that I shimmied into the day before. It took many minutes. I had the radio off, all windows down and was sweating from concentration and nervousness. I finally managed to free the car from the parking space. Due to the angle of escape, I pulled up closely next to the car in front of me and went to straighten myself out so that I could drive away when SCCRRRRAPE!
I wanted to fling myself from the car and surrender. I give up. I'm done trying. I quit life. I wanted to just run away, car running, door wide open; flee.
My tires were still cocked and I had accidentally caught the other car. It appears as though the damage is minor and there is only a small batch of scratches on my vehicle but I was still distraught. It took all my will power not to burst into tears right then and there. After I re-parked, wrote a note, left it on the other car and was safely inside my home, I sobbed.
I feel like such a failure. I’ve been driving for over a decade and I can't even park my own damn car on the same damn street I've been parking it on for over 2 years. WTF is wrong with me.
I cannot manage daily tasks and stressors anymore (Exhibit A the pile of dirty, stinking - literally - dishes in my sink). As soon as I heard the awful sound of my car scraping against the other my first thought was, Call E! Except he was out of town at high-pressure business meetings. Besides the poor bloke takes on enough of my crap. His once independent, capable wife now relies on him for practically everything. I just keep heaping all of my own stress, anxiety and baggage on top of his shoulders, which are already hunched with the weight of his own grief and strife.
I’m like an invalid who relies on E to carry me through each day, deferring to him for all decisions (even the most minor), expecting him to help maintain the last shred of my self-esteem, provide me with companionship and entertainment and so much more.
It’s been five days since the accident and I haven’t heard from the folks who own the other car. They have since driven the car. I’ve seen it parked on the other side of the street. This means they must have got my note. I wish they’d call so I could get some resolution. I’m willing to pay for the damage. But this state of pending only adds to my anxiety.
This stupid, avoidable accident is just another example of how incompetent I am these days. I just suck at life lately. I feel so incapacitated. How long is this going to last? When will I be able to function well again? Will I ever feel like myself?