My co-worker’s son was born this week. I knew he and his wife were expecting; I knew they were due in March; I knew it was a boy. Every Monday morning I’d arrive at the office anticipating the news of a weekend delivery.
Wednesday afternoon, he texted the big boss to share the news that the baby was born including a snapshot of little Ethan swaddled in a hospital blanket. The big boss passed this photo on to the entire staff via email. My initial reaction was nausea. I literally felt sick to my stomach.
What an awful response to the news of a child’s birth? I am not a wicked person. On the contrary, I understand the lack of guarantees when it comes to bearing children and the joy that comes once that baby is safely in your arms. But hearing of his arrival and seeing his photo made my gut flip-flop.
Naturally I cried and then put my headphones on to drown out any discussion around me of the cute new baby and tried my damnedest to make it to 5 o’clock. Though I ended up crying a couple more times at office.
Of course the kindhearted folks I work with stopped by my cube to see how I was doing and offer support. They're so wonderful. But they also say the stupidest things that are not supportive at all. "Your day will come." "You'll be a mom someday." "Someday it will all be ok." I wholeheartedly believe all of these things. But guess what? Knowing those things does not make me feel any better. It does not make me miss my son any less. It does not make the day any easier to survive!
March was rough. Between family, friends, neighbors, coworkers and acquaintances there were 6 babies born. Perhaps it’s our age, but every time I log onto Facebook, it seems every single Friend has photos of their children or are expecting. It makes me glum and angry. I avoid FB for the most part because of this. And after one particularly teary, rageful evening E said to me “No more Facebook on Sunday nights, ok?” *sigh*
Knowing that someday we'll have living children and I'll be a mom does not make it any easier to watch hugely pregnant peers go into the hospital and a couple days later bring a baby home HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. Why does everyone else get to keep their baby?!
I've felt all of this. The much anticipated news that two of my closest friends had their healthy babies even kicked me in the gut. I felt like I knew what to do more if something bad had happened than how to react to the good news. Such a crummy feeling.
ReplyDeleteI decided in December to quit using facebook as a way to waste time, but use it only when I wanted to look at something specific. I am still bombarded with babies when I do log on, but I feel so much better not checking it multiple times a day!
Mama Bear - I don't know how you do it day in and day out at work. Surrounded by mothers, babies and families. I think it would drive me mad.
ReplyDeleteOn an unrelated note, I hope you are feeling well.
You are a mother. Not in a conventional way, but most definitely a mother to that beautiful A of yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm 17 months out, having had a living baby, and I am STILL dreading birth announcements. Especially boys.