The sun finally broke through in Griefland. It's yet to be seen if this is a brief crack in the clouds or if brighter days are truly in store. Recently, I have felt glimmers of acceptance. Accepting that this happened to us; accepting that this was somehow destined to be and there was nothing I or anyone else could have done to prevent it; accepting that much good will come from A's life and tragic death. These moments are fleeting but god do they raise me up.
They say everything happens for a reason. And while I cannot come up with any justifiable reason that my son died, I have a sense of some greater purpose. That this horrendous tragedy had to occur in order for some bigger good to come about.
You know, it's like how some of the bereaved mother's who lost their babies years and years ago say things like "I wouldn't have it any other way." This horrified me when I first heard it. But maybe there's a deeper wisdom to it.
I don't know. But hopefully I'll figure it out more down the road. Meanwhile, I apprehensively await the other shoe to drop and depression to descend again. That's the thing with this grief rollercoaster, even when I have a streak of "ok" days and feel a little like my old self, I'm anxious; expecting the storm to come barreling through at any second.