Baby Dragon is still alive and healthy. We are combating
jaundice with frequent feedings. This is working and it’s also packing on the
weight. She’s gaining an average of 2 ounces a day!
The frequent feedings have left E and I complete zombies,
but it’s worth it. Plus we just got the go ahead at her 2-week well child
checkup to relax the feeding schedule to on demand. If we’re lucky she’ll give
us a solid 3 ½ hours between feeds.
It’s been just 2 weeks and already she is changing so much.
Her face looks more like a baby than a newborn. Her belly is distended now. Her
arms and legs are thickening with new creases showing up daily. A few of her
features resemble her big brother’s but for the most part she is her very own
person. Although I wished for this baby to look like A it is so much better for
me that she’s uniquely herself.
The feeding schedule afforded me barely an hour between
feeds which meant I could either sleep for an hour, eat something and shower or
make a few phone calls before it was time to put her back on. While I love the
closeness of nursing, I am only just now beginning to enjoy her like I had
hoped. Now with a bit more time in between sessions I can kiss her, play with
her; just plain stop and admire her. Except that is dangerous territory.
Whenever I take some time to stop and wonder at this tiny, beautiful being, I
well up. I’m still trying to grasp that she is our daughter, that she is ours
to keep.
I cry at least every other day. Sometimes because I am so
grateful for Dragon and so in love with her. Sometimes because I envision our
future with this child and already I want to slow down time – I want her to
stay tiny and curled up for a long time. Sometimes because I miss A even more
now that I know how it’s supposed to go. Sometimes I can’t even discern what
brings on the tears.
To be honest, with the traumatic birth, general anesthesia
and then strict nursing schedule I haven’t had much time to process it all. I
need some quiet time to process her birth, how it all went down. I need to
process that she is mine and allow the maternal connection to really sink in. I
need to re-assess A’s birth now that I can compare it to a “normal” delivery
experience. I need to re-mourn our darling son because now I understand much
better what he and what we missed out on – there is so much more to grieve.
Like I said earlier, they detected the umbilical cord around
Dragon’s neck at our weekly BPP. It was actually wrapped twice around her neck.
This was the impetus to induce right away. Most of that Wednesday we just hung out in the
labor/delivery room. I was admitted early in the morning and the Cervidil
wasn’t inserted until 3pm. So we ate, listened to her heartbeat on the monitor
and tooled around the internet trying to calm our nerves.
By 11pm I was having painful contractions that required me
to focus my breathing. At 3am the Cervidil came out. I was 2cm (I can’t
remember what percentage effaced). I had hoped to be further along and was on
the brink of tears. The hospital staff assured me this was good progress given
we started at high, tight and not even 1cm. Some women, they said, require a
second round of Cervidil.
After a 2-hour break, wherein I was allowed to eat again,
they started the pitocin drip. Throughout this ordeal I was constantly doubting
my decision to force my body into labor. Every half hour the pitocin drip was
turned up a bit. By 6am we called our doula and she arrived. I continued to
breath through contractions and tried to rest in between.
Our midwife, who is awesome, allowed me to continue to eat
throughout the day. We changed positions, walked the halls and sat on the
birthing ball trying to help things progress. When I was checked mid-afternoon
and found to be 4cm I again felt like giving up. I considered how much “easier”
it would be to have a C-section. I felt envious of the anonymous women in the
room next to me who had delivered her baby hours ago (you’d think they’d
soundproof the walls of labor/delivery rooms better). I wanted to call the
whole thing off. My confidence was non-existent. My conviction to continue
laboring without pain medicine was waning – big time.
In early evening I was 6cm and we were at the full pitocin
dosage. The midwife gave me the option. We could stop the pitocin and take a
break. (This was very enticing because I had been laboring since 11pm the day
before without hardly a wink of sleep.) But when we started back up we’d have
to start at the lowest dosage and work our way up again. Or we could dial the
pitocin down a couple notches and see how we progressed. As tempting as it was
to pull the plug and have a Pit vacation, I knew I didn’t have the mental or
emotional endurance to start from scratch.
The pit was dialed down and I kept working through each
contraction. They were getting very intense but I had a good 2-minutes between contractions,
which was just lovely (no seriously it was; I’m not being sarcastic). By 6pm
the midwife, doula and nurse were prepping the room for delivery. Baby was
coming within the hour they said.
I continued to change positions as suggested by the
knowledgeable team and baby sank lower and lower. The external heart rate
monitor remained on Dragon the entire time. I could feel her very low in my
pelvis but did not yet have the urge to push. The midwife suggested I lay on my
right side. I did. Baby Dragon fell off the monitor so they suggested I flip to
my left side as baby obviously didn’t like this side. I flipped over and then
felt lots of discomfort high up under my ribs. This was unusual because all of
the pain and discomfort had been down low. I mentioned this out loud but the
nurse was too busy trying to locate Dragon’s heartbeat again.
The midwife reached in to check if I was dilated fully and
could start pushing. What she felt entering the birth canal was a tiny hand,
not a baby head. In addition she could feel a portion of cord. This is where things get frantic.
Immediately she paged the attending doctor who came in and confirmed Dragon’s
hand and cord were coming first. Now there are a handful more staff in the room
palpating my belly trying to determine how baby is lying. They wheel in an
ultrasound machine and throw an oxygen mask on me. I am still having intense
contractions and trying to breath best I can but the scene is panic inducing.
Someone shouts out to prep an OR stat and all of a sudden
the cords and monitors are whipped off me and they’re wheeling my bed down the
hallway. E has to remain in the labor room – there is no time for him to get
prepped and they’ll be knocking me out with general anesthesia because I did
not have an epidural.
The anesthesiologist is in my face urging me to focus on her
and only her. She’s asking me pertinent questions about past surgeries and my
experience with anesthesia. Simultaneously there are a dozen people rushing
around the OR - two people are wrapping my calves, one inserts the catheter,
another drapes and swabs my belly, two separate people strap my arms down, a
resident is holding an oxygen bag over my face. It is crazy.
The doctor tells me they’re going to push the anesthesia and
that’s the last I remember. Next thing I know, I’m groggily waking up in the
post-op recovery room. I feel like hell and am very confused. E is there
holding a bundled baby and tells me it is our baby. That our daughter is here
safe and sound. I can hardly keep my eyes open. With the assistance of the
doula, E manipulates my breasts and gives our tiny Dragon her first feed. I
can’t muster the strength to raise my arms. Shortly thereafter E leaves with
the pediatric nurse to accompany Dragon for her first bath and examination. I
am pushed to our maternity recovery room to get settled. E and Dragon rejoin me
a little while later but I’m still very drowsy.
Fortunately, she was never in distress and was healthy upon
delivery. E says they brought her to him approximately 15-minutes after I was
hectically wheeled out of the room. He was able to stay with her from that
point on.
Supposedly what happened is this. The umbilical cord was not
particularly long and it was wrapped twice around her neck. As she descended
the tension on the cord increased. To relieve the tension and save her own
life, she twisted at the last minute into a transverse position. The midwife
says in her entire life, she’s never seen that happen. I have to credit our
little girl for that maneuver and the incredible hospital staff who got her out
so quickly.
Like I said, we are home and trying to adjust to the lack of
sleep. Dragon is thriving and we are over-the-moon in love with her. Honestly,
I just can’t get enough of her.
I may fade and in and out of the blogosphere, but I am
always here reading and abiding. Thank you for taking the time to read to the
end of this post.
