E and I attended our first bereaved parents’ support group a
couple weeks after A died.
I would have gone sooner but that was the next scheduled group. Before I was
discharged from the hospital I knew I wanted to try the local support groups. I
was desperate to try anything – the books, the groups, the blogs – whatever stillbirth
and babyloss information I could get.
For more than three years I have been attending babyloss
support group. In the beginning, it couldn’t come soon enough. I wished that
they were every single week. I craved the solidarity and the chance to talk
about my son. As time wore on, the grief was less debilitating, less consuming
on a daily basis and so I’d go to group as needed instead of every month. I
could always count on that second Tuesday of the month if I was feeling
especially sorrowful or when the holidays rolled around or whenever I needed a
little extra support.
Recently, the facilitator who runs what was the most popular
(by attendance) babyloss support group informed me that group was on a hiatus.
Over the last year attendance at monthly support group had dropped
significantly. Lately, there were only 2-3 people showing up, and sometimes,
just one. The facilitator feels that that few of people doesn’t constitute a
group because if someone did not want to talk, they would feel pressure to.
The facilitator has talked to other local support group
leaders and even reached out to colleagues in other states; apparently this is
a national issue one that isn’t restricted to babyloss support groups. The new
trend, according to her, is digital support.
I have found tremendous support with the online babyloss
community. I started this blog three months after A died and had been reading
other blogs within a day of becoming a babyloss mother. The validation,
camaraderie and support of all of you who read and write out here on the
internet is invaluable. But it isn’t the same as face-to-face meetings. For me,
there is value in both online support and in-person support group. That’s why
I’ve regularly utilized both for the last 3+ years.
One of the benefits of support group is that I get to tell
A’s story every time I go. And, to this day, I still breakdown while recounting
the short life of our firstborn. By now, I am considered a “veteran” at group.
Most of the other parents who are there are much earlier in their grief
journey. I respect this important role as a “grief elder.” These parents are so
freshly shattered and I can immediately go back to the place myself. I can
empathize with the emotions, the challenges, the shock. When I walk out of
group now, I don’t feel the relief that I once felt, but it is rewarding. I
belong to the local bereaved community and also to the online community. And
just like the women who have come before me, those I’ve met in person and those
who I communicate with online, I want to be here for the unfortunate families
who come after me.
So I am disappointed and disheartened that our local group
is no more. I feel it is a disservice to the community. The facilitator is
considering starting a few different Facebook groups (early loss, later
loss/stillbirth, subsequent pregnancy, etc.) but it won’t be the same. I
respect that not every person gets something out of support group. But I know I
do. I wish there was more I could do to rally these broken parents and
encourage them to drag themselves out of their isolation and to group. Truth
is, so does the facilitator and she gets
paid to do that, yet the numbers still dwindled and now the future of
face-to-face support group is up in the air.
